Lacuna

I felt fully grown, but I was a fool

Welcome, and a warm first hello to the newcomers!

I’m so happy you’re here.

Each of these Sunday poems center loosely around a tarot card, and this week we’re checking in with Death.

This card reminds me that letting go of outdated, harmful beliefs is part of growing up.

---

Contents:

1. Lacuna

2. Underground

LACUNA

I’m done demanding answers from the world:
My mother tongue can’t help me clarify,
Nor can others, and so I keep mine furled.
I learned the word lacuna late one night. 

My gender is unspeakable, it seems:
I’ve yet to find the proper English word
To tell the folks around me what it means
To exist as this person in the world. 

I guess “woman” will have to serve for now,
In place of some more appropriate name.
Perhaps, countries I know nothing about
Could lend the definition that I crave.

I’m done demanding answers from the world.
It hurts too much, but so does staying furled. 

UNDERGROUND

When I get close to the Red Line at night,
I cannot always bear the things I find.

I have dreams of the Harvard T stop,
The station where the trains arrive:
The entrance I used back when I was in grad school
Was curving, and tiled, and wide.
I used to run hard to catch the outbound train.
I thought there was so little time.
I felt fully grown, but I was a fool,
Completely bark and zero bite.

I have dreams of the Porter T stop,
The one with the windmill so high.
Should’ve known that I had a disorder
When I saw those tall stairs and climbed.
Exercise to forget the eating.
Ground my body up and down flights.
My knees still remind me of choices I made
Based on needs of others, not mine. 

I have dreams of the Davis T stop,
The place where the buses pull up,
Where I sat waiting for some nobody-man
Who never showed. (That day was rough.)
I reckoned with the recklessness of a guy
Who had different standards for love,
Then I cut my losses, bought Plan B alone.
The burden of silence will cut. 

I have dreams of the Alewife T stop,
The end where the whole thing begins.
I used to arrive before sunrise,
Park up high, hope one day I’d win.
I don’t have that car or that life now.
That time was wings, but now I’m fins:
I’m swimming in safer streams these days,
Correcting the falsified sins.

When I get close to the Red Line at night,
I cannot always bear the things I find.
But when I feel I cannot stand it all,
I find a safe place, such as this, to fall.